Please pray God has mercy on me. Numbness is the closest thing I feel to peace and I don't use anymore so I'm back to feeling nothing but sorrow again. It's exhausting to act like I'm ok during the day when I don't know what ok would even feel like because I never was. People my age are married and having children. I want to fall in love and be married and have a child but I can't even bond properly with people. I have been seeking God for years and years and years with all my might and I'm getting increasingly frustrated and hurt by being ignored. I have wanted to take my life for years now and I haven't because I'm afraid of hell. I feel like I've been waiting for relief that will never come and that my seeking has all been in vain. Part of me wonders if I should just give in and get the vaccine so at least my parents will be happy. Part of me wonders if I should just go back to using since I stopped. I thought if I stopped, God would listen to me and respond and that I would hear Him better and be healed and feel love. But, all I feel is pain. I have yet to see any of His promises come to pass in my life. Why does He hate me? What did my ancestors do? Why won't He respond? Why does He want to push me to suicide? Why does He continue to make me wait when I'm already too broken to trust and believe even when I try to? Why won't He have mercy on me and just let me stop feeling this pain? I feel like the only thing that will make it end is death because hell can't hurt much worse. I feel increasingly abandoned by God. I feel worse as each day passes. If anyone could tell me why He won't respond and why He hates me so much or what I have to do to get Him to respond please let me know because I've done all I can apart from ending my life and I'm trying with everything I have not to end it but God ignores me. I have lost all hope in His love, He abandoned me too many times and He wouldn't come through if my life depended on it because it does and He hasn't. I'm only holding on for my parent's sake but does it even matter?