Dear Lord and precious saviour,
As I come to you in the blessed sacrament, thank you for the blessings of this week, and for allowing Rog to get the interview and I pray he will get the job; that I will get a better job now, but keep my own, and that I also get a better job offer before the year is over, knowing as the year begins that I will have a better job, a stable job that will finally push my career forward with the financial blessings needed to do so as well; I pray the same for Rog; I also pray that by some miracle, I can buy the home, decorate it, and move in, yet still be able to support myself financially for the rest of my life. Please let me keep my job even into another year, but I beg you, please shift me out of this primary system, into a better job which suits me, and does not humiliate me, do not let me become unemployed, but move onto a better job right away which is still in the civil service, in education, but more in keeping with me, my personality, qualifications, experience, comfort level and pays far better, please, now please.
Thank you for letting me work with the BAC. I felt so encouraged, but I do not feel like an expert. Give me the strength and the wisdom to discern.
The fifth commandment states that we should honour our parents, I have tried where possible in my life to adhere to your commandments, and I know I have fallen short in myriad ways.
Today I disobeyed this commandment, as my father, one of my parents (as they both insult me at different points) insulted me and shamed me in front of one of his guests today. Ironically, the guest also works with me.
I cannot continue to live this way, these last five years after returning from completing my Masters have been nothing but a struggle, heartbreaking and mind-numbingly difficult. My health and sanity have suffered tremendously.
While I thank God for struggles, as they make you stronger, I am no longer strong, I have been demeaned, insulted and rejected by so many (and many times) during this time that I hate myself more and more each day.
I have to spend many hours in prayer (like a shield) when everyone insults me. I spend my days like a hermitess in my room praying and hiding away, it is humiliating, as everyone knows how bad things are in my life.
When you (God, the trinity) seem to provide me with one gift or advancement which I believe will finally catapult me out of this pit of severe depression, and hopelessness, push me forward in my career, then I watch as every project goes up in proverbial flames, then back down I fall, and everyone stands around, as if to kick and spit their insults such as loser etc, while I lay cringing in shame and hopelessness once again.
I am PLEADING WITH YOU, as I CANNOT PHYSICALLY, MENTALLY OR SPIRITUALLY TAKE ANY MORE. It is said that your strength is perfect, when our strength is gone, I cannot take any more, and I have no more strength!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I cannot live this way any
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