I'm suffering from depression that nobody know off, my family, my friends, my church mates and even my own mother doesn't know that I've been dealing with this for quite a long time. My life has been a downward spiral ever since my father died that I stop schooling for a second time because of it. It was one of the darkest moments of my life that I felt the world just crashed on me. I was physically, emotionally, spiritually and financially drained. Then later after a year I runaway from home for the fear of my own life bcoz my junkie brother threatened to kill me and my mother. Since those moments I've been living in a suitcase. I've been living in different places where threats and danger kept chasing me. I have a house but not a home. Seven years later those dark days and painful memories still left a huge mark on my memory and I came back on my hometown and finished my studies. After my studies I've been looking for a job for several months now and till now I got no luck. I really felt abandoned, neglected and forgotten by my friends and family most often. I don't open up to them that much it's not because of fear or stigma but it's that I can't quite find someone who's willing and sincere enough to listen and understand. The one who's willing to spend time even just for a minute or two and be there for me. The notion of depression is still kinda taboo in our place and mostly in our family who's not open in dealing and addressing this kind of problem. For them it's just over reacting or being too emotional or sensitive and I just need to deal and get away with the other way. Mostly the stereotypical thinking of Filipinos that depression is just a pigment of our imagination and for them it will just easily go away. For them, Filipinos won't get depression because we're one of the most happy people on earth and it's just the way it is. But that is far from the truth. The truth is since my childhood I've always been the one who's left out, the underdog, the wallflower, the one who's bullied or tease, living in the shadow of my big brothers and sister and always the one left at the corner. The last resort. The not so important. I am so tired of this that I just wanted to leave this place. I wanted to leave and go to a distant place where nobody knows me and find my self, a place and people where I can call home. Never been appreciated by own mother no matter what I do. I wanted to unplug my self and listen deeply to where my heart would lead me. Where God would lead me. I would like to meet and get to know other people and connect with them. The one's with a beautiful heart and kind souls. To connect and touch other peoples lives as they touch mine. To love deeply and feel alive. I want to be with the right people, to be surrounded with people who will totally love and accept me for who I am. I want to be with someone who truly knows how to appreciate my worth, not the one's who will makes me feel amazing but will just be there momentarily and leave me hanging. I want to be with someone who will be there and prove their worth. Lord, you are the God of the universe. You are a Sovereign, loving, kind and just God. I humbly ask and pray to Thee as I lift up to You and I surrender all my problems, my worries, my fears, my heart aches, my brokenness, my frustrations and my disappointments in life. As well as my hopes, my dreams and goals in life, this I pray through Jesus Christ. Amen.
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