Jane the past is gone within every second. Gone forever. And you cannot retrieve none of it. But things that have been done like making bad choices or even mistakes though made , they can be removed, washed completely away through Jesus Christ. The reason he died was for the many unchanged wrongs we have done in this life. So we need not to worry ourselves with the past. We are to pray to God no matter how great the sins we have and handed it to him. You are facing in the wrong direction in this life. Jesus is not behind you..Satan is. He has held you down for some time now. Blocking you from Christ and never forgiving yourself. Its time to pray to your Lord and give him all your pain and continue to walk toward God in this life through prayer, fasting, tithing. And i can promise you that all of your anxiety and panic attacks will disappear. For they are the demons haunting you and stopping you from being healed. Remember Jesus is the way...the only way.
May God bless you in King Jesus name Amen.

No thank you brother because everytime we pray and help others it returns back to us in that same way.

One i know is for certain. God will not put more on you than you can't stand. Understand that God will lower you down one step to move you two steps up. And in that time of your lowering ( now) is not for you to fail or to even worry. This is the time you focus and trust God and allow him to set you up where your new place will be. Your thoughts and prayers should not be in vain or complaining. Trust and give him thanks and those hours plus more is coming your way. God bless you and you family. In King Jesus name Amen.

David as you take one step closer to God he will take two steps toward you. As you start praying to the Lord and doing his will those demons will be more eager to ruin you but this time you will have protection. Soon as you speak to God your protection is already working (Isaiah 1:18- Come now, let us reason together, "says the Lord".though your sin be as scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they be red like crimson, they shall be as wool.) So its does not matter what you've done in the past God is the only one with the power to remove your sins as well as the demons that constantly attack you. Just as it pours down raining you seek shelter. And soon as you find it no matter how bad the rain is, you are immediately protected from it. The rain is those demons attached all over you and operate your actions , your thoughts, your speech. Jesus is the shelter from all of it. Soon as you reach for Jesus they will try to pull you back as the rain you would hear attacking that roof you would be under. But you would be forgiven immediately, your burdens will begin to have options, and your strength in God will grow until it overflows. And those demons could not stand in your presence. God said " there is NO SIN TOO GREAT that he cannot forgive. Show God who you are and pray to him of the person you are trying to become.
God bless you David in King Jesus name. Amen.