I have had this kind of shame and grief and in some ways, I still do. I learned techniques to help my brain to disengage with the memories and what they do to me. I want to fix everything and I can't. So how do I live? It's work but after a few years, I have learned thought techniques and breathing, and moving and blocking being in my head and wake up into where I am right this minute...alive with other things to experience that can bring me joy. It takes good sleep, healthy eating, moving and some new friendships maybe....reading, music. Be in the moment....alive. It will and IS okay.